the state of being enslaved to a habit or practice or to something that is psychologically or physically habit-forming, as narcotics, to such an extent that its cessation causes severe trauma.For some, addiction may come in the form of drugs, some alcohol, while others may be less obvious addictions (but still as fatal) like pornography, sex, eating, etc. For me I was addicted to lust and it came out in the form of pornography, fantasies and masturbation.
My addiction started as a young boy sneaking peaks at magazines and staying up late to watch movies that came on late at night. As I got into my teens, I discovered masturbation as a way to escape the problems that normal teens face. Looking back, I had a low self-esteem and I also felt like I didn't fit in. During high school I discovered the internet. That opened the door to a new source of fantasy for me. I found porn a very real and very easy escape. I would have times where I would swear off my addiction and time and time again I would always find myself back on the same websites.
I met my future wife during my freshman year in college and we fell in love. Our relationship, though, was built upon lust for each other. No surprise less than a year of dating, she was pregnant. We married and I remember thinking that now my monster will die. I will no longer feel guilty for having sex because we are married now. I don't need pornography or masturbation anymore because I have my wife.
Things went great for the first year. Then we moved to a bigger town, bought a computer and got the internet. My monster was back. I found myself consumed with this demon. It seemed I went through cycles, I would stop for a time only to find myself indulging again. This usually happened when my wife would discover what I have done and confront me. I hated myself, hated what I was doing to my wife.
Progressively, I found that my thoughts began to change, I no longer was able to see a girl walking down the street without turning my head and wondering. I began to fantasize about different scenarios. This is not me, what was happening to me, then the bottom fell out. After seven years my wife left me. My wife took our two children and left. I was devastated and I had never really understood how I devastated her, how this had affected her until that moment. I had a choice to make either I could choose my angel or I could choose my demon.
That week she was gone. I began to wake up each morning and study God's word. I began a 10 day fast. During that time God got a hold of my life. Sure I had been a Christian and read my Bible, I was even an ordained minister and served as Youth pastor at my church but I let my work in the church take the place of my personal relationship with my Father and God.
That week I began to really see what God wanted from me, what he expected from me. I let my addiction control my life, it became my god. It became number one in my life. It wasn't until I rearranged my priorities, that I am now able to face my feelings and face the fact that I am powerless to this addiction and the power to stop comes from God.
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